Reasons why ‘pity sex’ can be painful

A wise man had once said, “Since sex got easier to get, love got harder to find.” In today’s day and age of casual encounters and random flings, this saying holds complete relevance. While some take relationships seriously (that is if you do not like to glorify cheating or consider it cool), others see nothing wrong in indulging in meaningless sex when they are sad, low and vulnerable.Yes, there is nothing wrong in two consenting adults having a little fun in bed, but just like most things in life, pity sex comes with its fair share of repercussions. Read on to know what they are:

The allure of pity sex is hard to resist, especially when you are going through a tough time. But when you sleep with someone you barely know you also end up inviting the danger of coming in contact with Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) or getting pregnant. “This kind of sexual behaviour is mostly irresponsible and can be called ‘rash’. Also, once you come out of that low phase in your life, chances of you looking back and repenting are high. One-night stands or pity sex can be indulged in if you know the person for a long time and find them extremely trustworthy. Otherwise, it can cause you physical and emotional turmoil,” says Dr Pavan Sonar, a city-based sexologist.

Both the parties involved here know that they are feeding off each other’s vulnerabilities, which can go from bad to worse if it involves excessive drinking and substance abuse, among others. This can also be looked upon as one person taking advantage of the other’s circumstances. “I had a minor crush on someone for over a year. One day, when I was low and drunk, I decided to confess that to him. We met and things kept on happening between the two of us. Around the same time, I was drinking a lot. The combination gave birth to feelings without any reciprocation and my drunken calls/texts irked the person so much that he ghosted me and never looked back. That was quite painful,” says Juhi Parashar, a writer by profession.

Unless you have tremendous, saint-like control over your feelings, chances are you will end up making that pity sex partner your go-to person, your 3 am friend. While there is no harm in doing so, the meaninglessness of it and its longevity (or the lack of it) will start to haunt you once the other person decides to move on. “There are some guys, who do not think beyond sex, there are some who care about you despite the whole thing being only about pity sex. A guy walked into my life while I was struggling with my job and had personal life issues. Before I could wrap my head around it, I had developed feelings for him. He would listen to me and give advice. I kept all my friends aside and confided only in him, but later he was gone. That hurt,” shares Lipika Kashyap, a budding lawyer in the city.

While the idea of being friends with the one you are intimate with sounds appealing, in reality, some people struggle to keep the two separate. Yes, the lines are blurry and after a point, negative emotions like jealousy, rage and possessiveness start to crop up (especially if one of them is seeing multiple people at the same time). “When you go for pity sex, you are down and out and are looking for quick fixes externally. In such cases, you are not able to introspect. Befriending your partner will lead to expectations. However, the truth is, they cannot make themselves available for you at all times, which, in turn, will give birth to emotions ranging from jealousy to possessiveness. It is better to work on yourself when you are low, rather than indulging in pity sex,” says Janki Mehta, city-based psychotherapist and counsellor.

Not just in big, flashy Hollywood movies (cases in point: In Friends With Benefits and No Strings Attached), even in real life people tend to develop feelings for the person they have been sharing the sheets with. So, unless you are absolutely prepared to go cold turkey on the guy/girl if and when needed, do not take the plunge. Pity sex can be painful, too. “Ours was a strict no-strings-attached thing (NSA) and we had agreed on ending things when we wanted to and inform the other person about it. I started developing feelings for him and things got messy. Not only did the NSA end abruptly, but he also started ignoring me in the politest way possible,” rues Shahana Singh, an IT professional.